When you, my poz readers, found out that you were poz, what was your reaction? How did you cope? What/who helped you through it?
For me, i wasn't upset at first, as I have written before. But to cope I have immersed myself into weightlifting and being active. Kickboxing really helped boost my confidence> And my poz daddy, John, helped me by giving me someone to look to for love and support.
Wondering how the rest of you handled it.
I went to get tested with a friend who had been urging me to find out my status (I'd been actively chasing poz cum for about a year). I finally agreed, and I remember a sinking feeling when the counselor walked by as I waited and looked at me, a look that I knew meant I had it. And that's just what happened. And my friend who I went with, also tested poz, to his (and my) surprise. I think we both walked out in a bit of a daze. Fortunately we had each other to confide in. I remember feeling in a bit of a fog for a few weeks, and then coming to grips with it. Unfortunately had an aggressive strain and had to go on meds in about a year, but am now undetectable (no side effects, knock on wood). I never stopped fucking, though. I have realized that there is really no such thing as a neg bareback bottom.
ReplyDeleteWhen I tested Poz, I was completely devestated and dazed(as I must imagine everyone has been) I became really reclusive. Then, I got a shrink(who is very experienced in HIV+ clients) and I started attending a great support group(A.C.R.I.A.). Today(2 yrs later), I am totally comfortable with my status, and have no problem discussing it with anyone, at anytime. Without the previously mentioned resources, I don't truly think I would be at ease with status as I am.
ReplyDeleteAlso, ever since learning of my status(once I got past the dazed and devastation phase), I have been a true 'DOG IN HEAT'.
Hey Mindtrip, my story goes back to '95 when I ended up in the hospital (after doing the safe sex thing since '83) and when I got out, they said go get tested. I got my results at the SF health clinic on 18th St. in the Castro, they were very nice but I walked out in a daze down to Church St., caught the streetcar and just rode it to the end of the line. Then I stayed on the streetcar and rode it to the other end of the line, did this for a few hours. I thought I would catch a cold or a scratch or something and then die. I went on meds and didn't have sex for a couple of years, but I did start going to parties in the desert and watched other guys get fucked bareback. I did this for a couple of years and noticed that after that time, the same guys were getting fucked, taking loads and not getting sick or croaking. Then the next time I just jumped in and got down like everybody else. The years since my diagnosis have been the happiest and certainly the sexiest of my life, and I've evolved from a timid twerp to a seasoned fuckhole that takes all types and forms of dick. I write about it on my blog, pozboi bareback documentary, and what would make me happier is to hook up with you guys sometime. Thanks for the chance to communicate.
ReplyDeleteIt was 1995 and as I recall, I teared up for about 30 seconds in my doctor's office when he told me the letter from the life insurance company said I tested positive. I was obsessed with it for a few months, but after about 9 months, I realised that I had not gotten sick and didn't feel bad so I moved on. I started meds in 1997 and have been taking pills for so long it is just part of morning and nightly routine like brushing my teeth. Two good friends of mine are RNs who have done a great deal of work with HIV and AIDS patients. They helped me get and keep some perspective. I guess its just part of my life. I have had some potential sex partners reject me for it, but nothing I can't deal with. I really don't think about it anymore except when I take my pills or go for my 3 month checkup.
ReplyDeleteI had the same reaction as Mindtrip. I wasn't surprised, but I was also deeply involved in other work and personal issues that didn't give me a lot of time to dwell on it. Since that time, I have thought much more about it, but it is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life...It's actually somewhat liberating, in a strange way. I don't like taking medications every day, but hey, what are you going to do?? It has made me less judgmental and condescending of others, particularly to the extent I was in my late teens and early 20's.
ReplyDeleteI found out on a Friday afternoon almost six years ago.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't surprised, but at the same time I was. I remember leaving
the San Diego County Public Health clinic (on Rosecrans) and driving
home. By the time I got to my driveway, I cried.
I don't know why I cried, but it felt good.
I went to bed early that night. When I woke up Saturday morning, I
realized that I felt the EXACT same as I had prior to going to the clinic.
Nothing had changed. I was still the same person.
And that's all it took.
I always say: the only thing that changed with my being
Poz was my sex life. My sex life became BETTER and HOTTER.
I WASN'T FEELING TOO WELL AND GOT TESTED. IT CAME BACK NEGATIVE LIKE ALL THE OTHER TESTS FOR THE PAST TWENTY YEARS. IT WAS GETTING BORING. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A BAREBACK BOTTOM AND ALL MY TOPS HAVE BEEN POZ.FOUR HAD DIED OF AIDS AND I WAS STILL NEGATIVE. I WAS CONVINCED THAT I WAS IMMUNE. SO I DARED ANYONE TO POZ ME.
ReplyDeleteTHAT NIGHT AND THE NEXT THREE NIGHTS I WOKE UP DRENCHED IN SWEAT AND FELT LIKE I HAD THE FLU. I SUSPECTED I WAS CONVERTING. ON THE THIRD DAY ONE OF MY POZ TOPS WHO HAD BEEN WANTING TO INJECT ME WITH HIS HIGH VIRAL POZ BLOOD CAME OVER AND I WATCHED AS A SYRINGE OF HIS BLOOD ENTER MY VEIN. I FIGURED I WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY.
I GOT TO FEELING BETTER AND FORGOT ABOUT THE FLU, BUT DECIDED TO GET TESTED AGAIN. FOUR MONTHS HAD ELAPSED SINCE THE LAST TEST. IT WAS ONE OF THE TWENTY MINUTE TESTS. SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT LONG. IT CAME BACK POSITIVE. I WAS SOMEWHAT SHOCKED. IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES A SMILE CAME TO MY FACE. RELIEF IS WHAT I FELT. WELL I WAS NO LONGER NEGATIVE. NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF AND I DON'T ACCEPT BLAME. I ENJOY BEING POZ AND PREFER SEX WITH OTHER POZ MEN.