A few months after I converted, I was a mess. Yeah, i did a good job and making friends believe I was okay. But i felt so isolated. Guys would hit on me and I would think, if they knew what was in me, they wouldn't touch me. I was on the bareback sites, removed my negative status from Adam4adam and only hunted for poz men. Going through the motions, but, I was alone. And felt quite unloved.
Then, I hit up a guy on A4A, hit him up because he had a hot body. He didn't live in LA so we just chatted. I asked if he played safe or bareback. He said bareback but only with poz men. I told him I was poz. He asked me how long I've been poz.
A few months, I told him.
Instantly, the tone of the conversation changed. He gave me his number and email, and told me he would be there whenever I needed to talk. We talked alot, about sadness. Dealing. Losing loved ones. I was able to tell him anything. In time, though I don't remember when or why, I refered to him as my daddy. It was title he gladly accepted. He wasn't aware until very recently of the path of self destruction that he prevented me from walking on.
And I made him a promise... one that has made many men sigh when they hear it.
This man that reached out to me, that showed me love when I was feeling low, would be the only man I bottom for. Still haven't broken that promise.
At Folsom, we finally met in person. It took everything I had to not cry when i finally touched him.
Our bond has grown deeper since then. I truly love this man. Alot. I want nothing more than to wake up next to him, and be his boyfriend. Yeah, I could easily give up all the sex I have, just for this man. My daddy.
I am very lucky that I have a mentor. That I have someone to turn to, and someone that sees the same in me.
He reads the blog from time to time(keeping count of holes and loads was his suggestion), so I wonder what he will think about this post.
THIS is the REAL DEAL mate...takes a real man to put it out there, ESPECIALLY if your Daddy approves.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, my cock's bustin' against my briefs, my button-fly jeans leaving little to the imagination.
FUCKIN' GOOD ON YA boy!!! Fuckin' ROCKIN' post!!!
Awesome post.
ReplyDeleteYour story rings so true for myself as well...
ReplyDeleteIt took a bug chasers to help me "give myself a break.." and to stop being so hard on myself.
I cried and then I breeded him, him feeling his own release for being able to be a bug chaser and beg for my aids babies, and I for being now a part of the poz brotherhood, who could start the process of breaking those stigma related attitudes that were deeply buried with the layers of fear of HIV.
Dealing with our mortality and facing yourself and what you've done is part of the process. Having that person to talk to, to understand that your not really alone, but just another person in the world that has to deal with a problem.
Unlike other issues like diabetes or even more extreem, MS, HIV has this connotation of weakness at its core. You couldn't control your sexuality. And your paying the price for that weakness.
I've learned that our sexuality for the most part or for many of us, isn't something that can be controlled. And as the popularity of barebacking porn show's us, people want to fuck bare and watch people fuck bare.
But now, its not just fucking bare. The under current is that these pigs on the vids are poz or soone will be. And we all know watching this stuff, what the poz world can look like from a sexual view.
I'm now a late bloomer... and I do envy younger men getting into the life. But that was not really an option for many of us who came to age in the early days of AIDS.
I'm not making up for lost time, I'm now just letting myself go where I couldn't before, and enjoying life for what it is, for as long as I can.
Thank you for this post. It says alot about the transition from neg to poz that is often overlooked.
Really a goo thing to happen to anyone, excellent!!
ReplyDeleteI love daddies as well, and they have changed my life.
ReplyDeletegood entry, nice reactions;
ReplyDeleteso much easier to relate to than the hypocrits who keep up the effort of getting us to join the condom maffia: it will just never work.
In NL we have a group called poz and proud, but they remain hysterically a-sexual, which, in my book, just works counter productive.