A few months after I converted, I was a mess. Yeah, i did a good job and making friends believe I was okay. But i felt so isolated. Guys would hit on me and I would think, if they knew what was in me, they wouldn't touch me. I was on the bareback sites, removed my negative status from Adam4adam and only hunted for poz men. Going through the motions, but, I was alone. And felt quite unloved.
Then, I hit up a guy on A4A, hit him up because he had a hot body. He didn't live in LA so we just chatted. I asked if he played safe or bareback. He said bareback but only with poz men. I told him I was poz. He asked me how long I've been poz.
A few months, I told him.
Instantly, the tone of the conversation changed. He gave me his number and email, and told me he would be there whenever I needed to talk. We talked alot, about sadness. Dealing. Losing loved ones. I was able to tell him anything. In time, though I don't remember when or why, I refered to him as my daddy. It was title he gladly accepted. He wasn't aware until very recently of the path of self destruction that he prevented me from walking on.
And I made him a promise... one that has made many men sigh when they hear it.
This man that reached out to me, that showed me love when I was feeling low, would be the only man I bottom for. Still haven't broken that promise.
At Folsom, we finally met in person. It took everything I had to not cry when i finally touched him.
Our bond has grown deeper since then. I truly love this man. Alot. I want nothing more than to wake up next to him, and be his boyfriend. Yeah, I could easily give up all the sex I have, just for this man. My daddy.
I am very lucky that I have a mentor. That I have someone to turn to, and someone that sees the same in me.
He reads the blog from time to time(keeping count of holes and loads was his suggestion), so I wonder what he will think about this post.